It has a name

Borderline personality disorder, look it up

Last night Adam slept over and we were having a nice conversation about the future and stuff and all I could think about was how he hadn’t told me he loves me yet and how it hurt me and such, and then when we were going to bed he stayed up till I fell asleep (stupid insomnia) because he knows it helps me goes to bed. I’ve never felt that loved before and no longer care how long it takes him to say it.

My heads about to explode

I’m about to have a conversation with my mum about how I’m 1200$ in debt and need to ask her to give me that money. The 2 situations are that she gets angry and disappointed and yells and reluctantly gives it to me with a grudge which would literally end me or she gives it to me without question or strings and a lecture on how we have to go onwards and upwards and that makes me feel so guilty. I want to puke. I’m literally shaking.

Lazy lady

Is it weird that I seriously feel like I could be a stand up comic because I’m only really good at situational comedy an the best comics are depressed. I feel like making a YouTube video of me doing jokes I’ve thought about.

I think about jobs like this because I have zero motivation to do anything that has to do with school because school is like having a gun to your head but never being able to pull the trigger.

Also I’m out of meds so I’ll probs be up all night.

Adam and I had such a nice time the other night we just chilled in bed and asked each other questions. I told him about what happened with my dad and how I had a pretty rough time growing up with my mum and stuff and he told me about how he used to be bullied and didn’t have friends till highschool and about all the countries he’s been to. It’s nothing big or special but it was so amazing to me, I’ve never had a boyfriend be so genuinely interested in me like that. It really made me appreciate him.

In other news we’ve learned that the key to a successful protest is make sure people can make a difference without making them get off their ass (SOPA vs occupy Wallstreet).

Uhm I’m hopefully gonna be joining a casting agency and doing lots of extra work this year so that’s kind of cool. I figure there’s gotta be some way to bank on my “alternative” look.

Update

I had my third doc appointment the other day and I can honestly say it’s the only I left not feel completely hopeless. The people I had to deal with at klinic were awful, I had just broken down in front of this councilor and she told me to breath through my feet. What is that?! Anyways yesterday my actual doctor listened to me and said that there’s a psychiatrist therapist duo right in the building I seem them they see her and bam we have a treatment plan. For the time being im on a mood stabilizer and a sleeping pill. It’s been like a day so I don’t feel different but fingers crossed!

Dear people that know me

Hi.

What I’m about to say is unfair but it’s how I feel. Tomorrow is my “emergency appointment” with a therapist at this crisis clinic on Osborne. I’m a severely depressed person, I starve myself, I hurt myself and treat myself with drugs. I usually have cuts on my hips and went from a 6 to a 0 in 2 months and am still losing weight. Not a single person in my life has noticed these cries for help. Not a single person has taken the 5 minutes I desperately needed them to, to ask me if I was okay or why I had changed so much. On top of everything I feel, realizing that no one really wants to know how I actually am is heartbreaking. I feel guilty for being so angry but I’ve never asked for the help I needed, when my dad died I didnt talk about it cause I didn’t want to upset other people, I never bring up my problems because everyone else is talking my ear off with their own issues. All I’ve ever wanted was for someone to say are you sure you’re okay carol? I’ll never even get that because it’s gotten so bad that I had to seek out help myself. I don’t really know what writing this accomplishes other then venting to someone who isn’t my mum. God I feel so selfish for feeling these things but I seriously care so much about the people in my life that I’m terrified to get better because I’ll be a different person and what if my friends don’t like that new person and leave me. That’s how my mind works. And no one even notices that I’m slowly trying to erase my presence from this stupid planet.

Check the gap! Skinny carol is like a month away.

AWH

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